Pain
by Nightshade's sydneylover150
Summary: "Supposedly it was supposed to be the ultimate connection between partners in the Vulcan culture. However to Jim it was a constant, pounding headache."
1. Breaking from Pain

**Title** : Pain

 **Author** : Nightshade sydneylover150

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own them. They are owned by Paramount Studios, CBS, Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams, and the actors that portrayed these wonderful characters

 **Beta** : Currently searching for a few, anyone interested?

 **Summary** : "Supposedly it was supposed to be the ultimate connection between partners in the Vulcan culture. However to Jim it was a constant, pounding headache."

 **Rating** : M for Jim's mouth

* * *

Jim didn't give a damn what the Vulcan Elders, Sarek, or even Spock said; the damn bond hurt like a bitch. Supposedly it was supposed to be the ultimate connection between partners in the Vulcan culture. However all the bond had been to Jim so far was a constant, pounding headache.

Jim could understand if the feeling had only last a few weeks, a month, maybe even 6 months, but it was going on a year now. What made everything ten times worse was Spock didn't even realize how much pain Jim was in! It was almost as if the damn Vulcan was numb to the pain that freaking bond was causing Jim!

When Jim had brought it up, Spock had told him that he was imagining things as Jim should be used to the connection the bond made between Spock and him after a year.

Jim had complained to Bones about the pain, but Bones could not find a physical issue to explain the problem. He continued to encourage Jim to talk to "your green-blooded lover-goblin" as Bones was "a doctor dammit, not a Vulcan voodoo practitioner." Still, despite his grouching, Bones worked with Jim to find non-pain medication treatments to ease the pain as Jim could not utilize any known pain relievers besides old fashion naproxen, aspirin, and ibuprofen.

As Bones suggested, Jim continued to insist there was something wrong with the bond until Spock had " _consulted_ " with a mind healer. The bastard (not Spock, the other Vulcan bastard) didn't even allow Jim in the room, even though it was Jim's mind that they were discussing, saying it was matters to only be discussed by "Vulcans." When Spock came out of his " _consultation_ ," Jim was again told that it was his "overly indulged imagination" that was causing Jim to believe that he was in pain.

The mind healer, who did not even deem it necessary to talk to Jim (more likely did not want to " _lower_ " himself to talking to a " _mere human_ "). Instead the bastard just had Spock tell Jim that "you will eventually be more at ease with the bond once you allow yourself to follow the basic principles of Surak." At least Sarek (the crap ass father-in-law) as least had the decency to say it to his face, the mind healer bastard (the fake fan-fuck-tasic healer) had Jim's "bondmate" do his dirty work. The Vulcan's precious Surak could kiss Jim's perfect lily white ass, because there was no way that Jim should be in this much pain.

After the "consultation" with the mind healer, Jim stopped telling Spock about the pain. There wasn't a point in telling his "bondmate" that Jim literally felt like he had an ice pick stuck in his skull because the stupid half-Vulcan wouldn't listen to a word Jim was telling him. Perhaps Spock couldn't or even wouldn't understand what Jim was telling him. Maybe it was too much of a foreign concept to his "bondmate."

Jim did remember (between the throbbing in his head) that Spock had told him that his mother had easily adapted to being bonded to Sarek. ( _Goodie_ for her! Jim was _so_ glad that he was just so gosh darn _lucky_ to be the only one to experience the _wonderful_ pain!)

Jim researched head pain, humans, and treatments and accidently found ( _very_ ) disturbing pictures of 19th and 20th century lobotomies and one picture of a man with a railroad stake in his head that altered the man's personality.*

In an effort to find more recent stabbing head pain suffers, Jim invested some serious time on intergalactic Google to figure out if any other species bonded with Vulcans had the same issue. Whenever Jim thought he had a lead, the person would " _go dark_ " as the other galactic net users called it, only to come back singing the praises of the Vulcan ideology and practices. Perhaps the story about railroad stake guy was true.

Whatever this bond thing is, once the non-Vulcan partners get involved with the Vulcan ideology, the non-Vulcan partners' personalities seem to be altered. Or perhaps the bond did something to them. Jim didn't know and wasn't sure he wanted to find out.

As time passed and the pain continued to stab Jim's brain, the Enterprise's captain began contemplating if his bonding with Spock was really worth all of this.

Yes, Jim could tolerate the pain.

Yes, he did love Spock with all of his heart.

Yes, he did want to be married to the green-blooded hobgoblin.

Jim just didn't want to be in all of this pain. However he grinned and bared it because he loved Spock. Even though the bastard believed that the pain had gone away.

The things one does for love.

* * *

Spock did not understand Jim at all. They were approaching there second year since their bonding ceremony and it seemed that Jim was "troubled" to use a human phrase. Spock had attempted multiple times to find out what was causing Jim to be so distracted and introverted when they were alone. It was almost as if Jim had stopped talking to him after they had their consultation with the mind healer. For what reason, Spock did not know.

He knew that the bond was a foreign concept to Jim, but the human male should be used to sharing his thoughts with Spock by their second bond year. However, Jim still seemed unsettled, despite the fact that nothing came across the bond other than Jim's random thoughts when Spock was not shielding. Jim had had to be taught how to shield by Spock and Sarek to prevent him from, in human terms, "leaking thoughts all over."

Jim had complained about pain from the time they were bonded until their consultation with the mind healer one point five two three years prior to the current date. Jim, per Vulcan protocol, had been excluded from the meeting at the healer's request as Jim had not agreed to follow the "Principles of Surak." It hurt Spock that his beloved Jim was unwilling to follow his culture's creed and belief system. Spock did not understand why his beloved would be so unwilling when Spock's mother followed the true path from the time of her marriage to his father until the day of her death.

The healer stated that Jim was likely to be "imagining the pain," as many species are prone to do when confronted with something different. The healer encouraged Spock to shield his thoughts and feelings from his bondmate to encourage the human male to utilize the Vulcan principles as was every bond mates' duty.

Spock had done as the healer had suggested and shielded his thoughts from Jim. Sarek had suggested Spock force Jim to meditate with him until the man willingly began to follow the principles.

Jim, however, never began utilizing the Principles. In fact, Jim would frequently go running, go swimming, or would sleep when Spock meditated. Spock believed that whatever these actions gave Jim must have stopped whatever pain Jim had been experiencing as Jim never mentioned it again and never requested to speak to the mind healer. Spock's mind had been unshielded from Jim's for more than six point two seven months and he had not felt any of the pain Jim once claimed to have. Perhaps proof that the healer was right.

The End

* * *

A/N: I've read a lot of stories where Jim easily adapts to being bond with Spock or whatever pain/uncomfortable feelings he may have experienced are eliminated by Jim becoming "used to" the bond or shielding his thoughts from the bond. However, I had to wonder what would happen if it didn't go away.

The case Jim mentions in the story of the man whose personality was altered after a railroad spike when through his head is an actual case studied by psychology and counseling students. The man's name was Phineas P. Gage and he was a railroad foreman whose left frontal lobe was almost completely destroyed by a railroad spike. Gage's behavior and personality was affected for the remain 12 years of the man's life, though he was able to function better behaviorally and socially towards the end of his life due to the establishment of a daily structure in the form of his job as a stage coach driver.


	2. Reforged in Pain

**J/S/J/S**

Jim knew the moment Spock began to feel his head pain during the half-Vulcan's pon farr. A sadistic part of him was even happy when it happened. However, Jim was usually much more empathetic to people's pain than his husband was, although his three years worth of pain may have affected Jim more than he previously was willing to admit.

"It sucks when you actually are the one experiencing it doesn't it?" Jim asked as soon as Spock was coherent enough to have a conversation.

"I do not understand what it is that you mean Jim." Spock said without an intonation. Jim wondered if Spock naturally dealt with his pain by going "Super Vulcan" mode or if he had been trained into it.

"The pain you're feeling?" Jim waited until Spock nodded, "I've felt that for almost three years while you told me that I was, how did you and your 'mind healer' put it…. Ah, yes…. 'imagining it.' Seems like you finally got a dose of that imaginary pain. How does it feel Spockums?"

"Jim, you are the one causing this pain? What have I done that has caused you to do this to me?" Spock's voice almost had a hint of betrayal in it. Or maybe it was just Jim reading into the matter. He had never really gotten the hold of being able to read Spock's emotions through the bond. Either way, Spock appeared to feel betrayed. "How are you projecting this pain on to me?"

"Spock, I'm hurt. I'm the victim in this story. You don't get to infringe on my role in this." Jim stated plainly as he crossed the room to where his husband was still caught between the after effects of pon farr and the pain Jim had experienced for years. "No. The pain you're feeling. That is how our bond feels to me. The one thing you told me could never cause me any pain."

"Jim that is imp…"

"Impossible. Yes, your 'healer' did say that too, didn't he? Then again he never examined me. I Hell, that fucker didn't even talk to me. He dismissed me like I was yesterday's trash." Jim stated with heat. "I can forgive him that. He doesn't know me. He probably assumed that it was a deficit in my mind, my 'illogical' emotions, or maybe even my 'human-ness interfering with the 'logic' of the bond."

"Jim I do not…" Spock said looking up at his husband from his place on the ground level bed.

Jim circled around his husband one time before he sank down into a seated position in front of him. "You however… I'm not sure I can forgive you Spock. You are my husband, my lover, and my supposed 'thy'la.' You didn't believe me. You didn't listen to me. You didn't even entertain the possibility that something was wrong. You were too fucking caught up in your own beliefs and Vulcan superiority to even conceive that I was in pain."

"Jim it not possible…" Spock said, "You could not have experienced this pain for three years. You would have gone mad. I would have known you were in pain"

Jim laughed silently, smirking and shaking his head. "It's nice to know how little you think of humans Spock. My race. Your race. We've been surviving pain, physical and mental, for millennia in multiple different forms and fashions. Some healthy, some unhealthy, and some downright dangerous. But either way we have survived despite not having psi-healing. So don't tell me you mother fucker that I couldn't survive the pain you are feeling right now without going 'mad.' If anything it fueled my desire to prove you wrong."

Spock looked down, but Jim couldn't allow him to do that. He couldn't, wouldn't allow Spock to hide from his words. Jim reached out, grasped Spock's chin, and tilted the Vulcan's head up so that Spock was forced to look Jim in the eyes.

"You are right in a fashion. I should have gone 'mad,' but not from the pain." Jim looked deep into his husband's eyes. "I should have gone 'mad' because my husband abandoned me and forced me to face this pain alone. I never should have had to do that! I should have had my husband to support me! Instead I had to turn to my best friend the doctor and the galactic 'net to try and find support."

"Jim I know regrets are illogical, but I apolog…." Spock started to say, but Jim held his hand up, effectively cutting Spock off mid-speech.

"I'm not ready to hear it Spock. You better not replace those shields, the ones that the healer told you to put up." Jim reached forward and took his husband's hand in his own. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He knew he was angry, but that did not mean he needed to take 3 years worth of frustration and pain out on his bondmate; Even if the bastard deserved it.

Jim opened his eyes and looked directly at his husband. "You better not leave me alone this time. You need to help me figure this out and not just give me platitudes about 'accepting Surak into your life will solve everything.' Because let me tell you Spock, that makes you Vulcans sound like you're in a cult."

Spock met Jim's stare as the human looked directly into his husband's eyes. In that moment Jim realized how clueless Spock was about their bond. Perhaps he didn't understand it anymore than Jim did.

Thinking back on it, Jim realized Spock had been relying on guidance from his father, T'Pau, and the Vulcan mind healers. However, now he was just as stuck in this mess of pain as Jim was and Jim wasn't going allow his husband to leave him to face it alone again. Jim knew as Spock met his glaze that the half-Vulcan would accept Jim's wishes.

"I hear and obey my husband." Spock said with a slight nod.

"Good because you and I have a lot to talk about Spock."

 **S/J/S/J**

Spock realized he had hurt deeply hurt Jim. He had not even realized that Jim's pain was anything more than a figment of the man's imagination. Then again, as Jim's best friend and Thy'la, Spock should have known. He should have been able realize the man he loved above all else was in pain. Instead he allowed himself to be led astray from his ashayam by his family and the Vulcan healers. Spock was disgusted with himself. He should have known that Jim would never claim to be in pain unless he absolutely meant it. Spock logically knew his Thy'la was more likely to hide his pain when he was experiencing it then to actually state that he was in pain. This fact alone solidified Spock's guilt.

Looking deep into his bondmate's eyes he realized he had many debts to repay to his Thy'la. He had committed a grievous error by neglecting he-who-is-his-mate. Reparations would need to be made in order to rebalance their bond.

So when his husband stated that they had a lot of to talk about, there was only one correct answer that Spock could give.

"I believe we do Jim."

 **J/S/J/S**

Jim could not believe how much less his headache hurt since Spock had come to acknowledge that Jim was experiencing throbbing headaches. Spock researched tirelessly to find the answer for Jim's (and now, his own) headaches. While Jim was not quite ready to forgive his husband for his transgressions, Spock was well on his way to earning that forgiveness.

They had talked for a long time about where Spock and, even, Jim had gone wrong in their relationship. Both males agreed everything came down to communication. Jim could understand that Spock had "illogically" assumed that his family and the healers would have the answers to his questions regarding his bond with Jim. Jim could even almost forgive his naïve husband for blindly believing what he had been told by his fellow Vulcans.

Jim realized now that he needed to address Spock more directly when he is having problems. He also realized he needed to request that they have "State of Relationship" conversations so they talk about any issues Jim might be experiencing in their relationship instead of just assuming that Spock would know. (Thank you Ms. Annoying Therapist that Bones is now forcing Jim to see weekly via subspace communications) Both males had agreed that their communication needed to improve. Badly.

 **S/J/S/J**

Spock continued to search through the intergalactic internet to find answers for his husband. Jim was, as humans would say, "fast asleep" on their bed after surviving a disastrous away mission with minimal damage. (At least it was minimal damage in comparison with other away missions in which Jim managed to participate. Jim managed to "get away" this time with some small, shallow cuts, some minor bruising, and, of course, a ripped shirt.) Spock was checking the galactic sites where Jim previously had found information regarding non-Vulcan/Vulcan bonds. They were also the sites where his husband had observed the so-called "cult-like behavior" from some of the non-Vulcan spouses with whom Jim had been in contact.

On the surface Spock found none of the supposed "cult-like" answers to be illogical or, in human terms, "odd. " The spouses stated they had found serenity in the "Teaching of Surak," as Spock's own father had commented on when Spock was a child. Upon further inspection, Spock did find something "weird," as his husband would put it. There was a string of symbols being used behind the text the non-Vulcan partners had written that Spock had failed to notice. It was barely discernible and Spock could see how his husband could have easily missed it as humans can only see light and color in a narrow spectrum. It was outside of this spectrum and written in Golic Vulcan that Spock found the answer that Jim and now he had been seeking about the non-Vulcan partners.

Now they at least had an answer regarding the partners' "odd" answers."

 **J/S/J/S**

"They what?"

"The comments were all written with the approval of the non-Vulcan partners' Vulcan partner while the non-Vulcan partner were being sent through what I believe you would call a 'retraining camp.'"

"You mean were places where they were being _brainwashed_."

"It is 'nothing as dramatic' as that Jim, as you would say Thy'la. The non-Vulcan couples were taken away from their homes and outside influences to be subjected to an intense program designed to educate them on 'The Principals of Surak.' The training would give them that specific focus, thereby reducing their focus on their own mental pain."

"Spock, it's a _brainwashing_ camp. It's like using what my old and new shrinks have called 'behavioral activation,' 'cognitive restructuring,' and 'Stockholm Syndrome' to make people more susceptible to alternative mentalities."

Spock took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and abruptly closed it after he processed what Jim said. "That is a simplified, but effective explanation for this phenomenon, Captain."

"We're not Captain and First Officer here Spock. This is us, Jim and Spock who are also known as the couple of brilliant stupid males who have really crappy communication skills." Jim leaned forward and placed his hand on top of his husband's hand.

Jim watched his husband glance down at their touching hands, before the half-Vulcan responded back to him. "There is no need to be insulting Jim."

"Being offended is an emotion Spock." Jim said with a grin. He loved his husband's dry and witty sense of humor. The older male always had a zinger at the ready.

"I am just identifying the human emotion that you are attempting to provoke in me." Spock stated with a straight face, which caused Jim to have to bite his tongue in order to prevent himself from laughing at the half-Vulcan.

 **S/J/S/J**

"So what do we do now Spock?" Jim asked his bondmate. Spock looked at his bondmate for a moment, cocking his head as he thought.

"We continue to communicate and seek the answers for your… our pain in regards to the bond. Perhaps if the Doctor tests both of us, he may be able to find an answer where he previously was unable to find one." Spock stated bluntly.

"Ya think?" Jim asked softly. There was a light in his eyes that Spock had not seen for 2 years and for the first time Spock realized how much he had "missed" it.

"I, to use one of your human phrases, believe we do."

 **The End**


End file.
